Exhaustion

Ever get those days where you don’t want to do a thing? How about a whole weekend like that? Now try a week. That was my week one. I am tired of school already, partly because I’m waitlisted for a class that I need and want and because of budget cuts, overenrolling has already occurred, and not many people are dropping. When a quarter is only ten weeks long, and you don’t know if you are really in a class till week three, too much time has already passed. Running around for back to back classes for a whole week is exhausting. I got sick Wednesday night, when I had to go take a quiz at night, and ended up staying at the library till 11:30p, when I had to be up at 5:30a the next morning for the same class. I wasn’t able to get my Physics books from a friend till this weekend, which didn’t help at all. So I’m studying for three science classes, and have two pieces for my solo work, and then also a chamber music piece yet to come. I just want to go into a quarter knowing what I’m in for, because I can’t get rid of these blasted headaches that seem so fond of appearing when I don’t need them at all. That feeling of loneliness is nearly suffocating, because I can’t see my friends as much as I would like, and no one else seems to understand the idea that I can’t have a big social life right now. I just can’t seem to fully get what I need done, done.

What a Wonderful Life

It is interesting the changes we would make to our lives if we had the option to press rewind and change the choices we wish we didn’t make. Sometimes with age comes wisdom, and enthusiasm with youth. How do we find the balance though? How do we know what choices will shape us positively while others will hinder our life paths? How can we know? So, when an elder wisely says that one should try and pursue a career where family life is more sustainable, are we to listen to them, and give up the thrill of success in the workplace in leu of happiness at home, or are we to follow our hearts? Are we wise enough to listen, take their guidance with a grain of salt, and then shape our lives better than they were able to? Are we able to cut down on work to give more time to family, or are we as humans just stubborn and gluttons for punishment?

Oh, the questions that constantly swirl in the air, how you torment me. There is no guarantee that by becoming a surgeon I will always be away from family and home; there are ways to manipulate schedules, take fewer hours and patients, not work in a setting where I would be on-call quite frequently. There is no guarantee that I won’t be stuck at work all the time either. The issue is that no matter what area of medicine I go into, I will undoubtedly give more than necessary, and end up sacrificing time at home and/or sleep and/or hobbies, etc. I give my all in everything I do, often times pushing my limits and expanding them. Actually, I expand more often that I really care to think about. Each and everyday, I find just one more thing that I want to do, just one more thing that I “need” or “have” to do. I have very much a type-A personality, because if I am going to put any time into something, it will be done right, even if that means putting more time that originally planned into the project. I have learned to say no to things, but I am not great at it. In my mind, I can do it all, and truly, everything that is placed before me I can do, just not all at the same time. For some reason, however, if I don’t see the multitude of things that I am already doing in front of me at the time, I will feel like I have all the time in the world and want to tack on just one more thing. It is a shame that there are not more hours in the day, and that I require 10-12 hours of sleep for the normal 8 hours.

I know that if surgery is where my heart lies and I do not follow that path, I will always have regrets and think of what might have been, not because of the glamour nor the glory nor the money, but because I would never become self actualized in that aspect of my life, or possibly even in the entirety of my life. I would never forgive myself for working so long and hard to become a doctor and then take the easy way out by chosing a specialty that others say is “easier,” but in reality requires just as much time and effort, just in different ways. That choice would show fear of charging after the unknown, and fear is the great un-doer. I think this means that no matter what the surgeons and anesthesiologists guiding me say, I will have to follow my heart. If it leads me to an OR, then great, but if it leads me to a reasearch lab, or clinical trials, or a solely office based practice, then that will suit me fine aswell. So long as I follow my heart (my brain has already done a lot of the work on that end), I will be happy because I will make my specialty work for me, not the other way around.

Let’s You and Me Stay Young Forever

In two weeks, I will be twenty. In two weeks, I will supposedly change again from one phase of life to another- teen to adult, kid to elder, ignorant to wise. Twenty is still so young though. I can’t support myself, at least not in San Diego, I am nowhere near ready to get married, nor am I ready to have kids. It is so surreal to see friends and others I know from high school doing these things. I just don’t see that someone my age has the life experience to make such large decisions or do such life changing things. I don’t feel that twenty-somethings know themselves well enough yet to say that they are ready to “settle down,” and I am quite mature for my age grouping, often being called an “old soul.” Maybe I am just wiser, and have wiser people around me, than my counterparts. I have seen young marriages fail, I have seen the sacrifices that teenage pregnancies can force one to make. My parents, my mother especially, have been great models and mentors for me. Perhaps it is because my mother had me a later than average age that I am more careful with my choices, as I have garnered great wisdom from all of her life experience. It is funny to think that at twenty, she was married, while I don’t think that I will even reach that point in my life for another ten years, give or take. Life is funny that way, what it gives us to work with leads us all down different paths. Even if I met the man who is supposed to be my soul-mate right now, I would probably brush him off. My mother married to get out of a bad situation; I do not have that scenario. Instead, I have goals and aspirations that have been nurtured from an early age, whereas both my parents were constantly told that they would never amount to anything because of the class and lives they were born into. Each had to fight to get out, and it has never been easy for them to surmount all of the obstacles that they  have faced. Yet, because of their arduous and tireless efforts, my brother and I have much easier times in pursuing our goals. I am not so sure that I would fight so hard as either of my parents have; that kind of strength in the face of adversity just may not be in me. Perhaps that is why they were given those starting situations while I was given a completely different circumstance. Honestly, I believe that everything happens for a reason; we just may not be able to see the reasons until much later down the road. Life passes so quickly that there is no point in waiting for anything to happen. That I have certainly learned from my mother. I have learned to enjoy more of the beauties that life has to offer thanks to her. There is no amount of gratuity that describes how grateful I am to have her as my mother and friend. I don’t know what I will do when the day comes she will leave us. She has raised me in the face of adversity, however, and so I know that I will be able to pass her lessons onto my own children, and that it some solace.

For now though, I feel none the wiser, none the richer. I must be getting severe tunnel vision. All I can think about is the next step to medical school. I heard a few days ago that one of my classmates has been accepted to UCSD Med, which gives me some hope since she does music like I do and is getting a Bio degree. All I can say is that I must really want this, because nothing else matters to me anymore. All I can think about is becoming a doctor. I listen to medical radio shows, I watch medical shows on TV, I look up diseases and watch surgeries on-line. I go through all the medical jargon with my friends and they notice that I light up talking about it all. I just know where I belong in the world, and I hate waiting to get there. I want to enjoy the ride, but I am always bouncing up and down with such excitement at every turn, hoping I will reach my destination only to find another stretch of road ahead.

Like the Devil’s Got Your Hands

Have you ever had a feeling of suffocation in your own home? I suppose it is fairly common, and can even be called something to the effect of “teenage-itis.” The only problem is that I only have about three weeks left in my teens. If this was going to happen, it should have occurred before now. I should be more truthful with myself; it has. I have just never been so aggravated at home before now. I feel as though something akin to an enemy army is living under my roof. It honestly feels like the Civil War and where Union soldiers felt entitled to intrude upon Southern families and say they had a right to take over their homes. I just want out of this situation that was forced upon me. I can’t do anything without having to watch my step. I am sick of eating food that is unhealthy, greasy, and not very appetizing when ever that one decides to grace the kitchen with her presence. I should be fair though, it is not all bad, but I am a health nut, and our family has some health issues that she just seems so determined to ignore; really, when we say that we cannot eat certain types of food, it is not to hurt your feelings, it is because we can’t or we will shorten out life spans by years and possible send ourselves to much more untimely graves. I know that one is trying to be helpful, and that it is not the most ideal situation, but really, I had hoped that my sibling had more of an eye for class. The food is not that big of a deal. Neither are half of the other things that should bug me. What bothers me most of all is that that one is like a child in so many respects and does not act with much class. Who smacks like a cow while eating? Who dresses like they are five? Who squeals whenever the least bit of excitement overcomes them? Who, in their right mind, says, “Opps,” for everything? I am so tempted to give a dictionary and thesaurus for Christmas. Lord, just the way that one holds herself when she sits and walks is abhorrent. Have some respect for yourself instead of hunching over everything.

 

I know that she has a good heart. I know that she is sensitive, that is why I have not said anything to her, and I am trying, oh how I am trying, to be kind. I only rant here because the steam builds up inside of me, and I need a release, somewhere, anywhere, in a fashion that does not hurt her nor my brother. I trust that he chose her for the right reasons. I trust that she chose him for the right reasons. I have to. I love them both, but, and there is always a but, things grate on my nerves, and I am not a demure personality, so they need to come out somehow. My brother grates on my nerves more than she does, because he does not see the impropriety of the whole situation, and has no haste to rectify the situation. He just expects us to welcome this stranger into our lives with open arms by bringing her home to live with us for an undetermined amount of time. He expects everything to be like it always has been, and doesn’t really understand why it can’t be. He gets frustrated when it isn’t. Newsflash! Things have changed forever by your actions. It is neither good nor bad, it just is. I am sorry to say that I cannot wait till they are finally able to move out. I do love them, but confined spaces are not good for animals, nor humans. I have spent more and more time at school and in libraries rather than spending time at home because it is like more of a battlefield here than OChem is. I can’t talk to her, she may be like a sister, but I cannot fully treat her like family due to the lack of familiarity, and my brother just doesn’t understand that. I have known her all of a month, if that, and that is not enough time for me to form a strong bond with her on any front. I know that things like this take time, but sometimes time is not at hand. They are a good match, and that is what it is really about. They are the ones that the matter really concerns. I must remember that. I just wish that I didn’t have to be part of their “getting to know each other” period, which should have been their honeymoon, by themselves. This is just a very awkward situation, and I don’t have any extra energy to give to it. I have my own path that I must follow, and it does not allow me  to take time and watch the scenery. These are the times where I want to move away from home, regardless of the enormous debt it would place me in. Med school away from SD is looking better and better. At the very least, I just want to get away for a week or two. I need my own space away from everything here. I need to grow up more in the worldly sense, and I can only do some of that once I move away from this protective shelter that my parents have created for me. I just need to get away from this oppressive suffocation.

 

She is sweet. I cannot imagine what she is going through here; I would never have allowed myself to be put in a situation this awkward. I think I just harp on her unappealing qualities because she is an easy target right now. I am more upset with my brother, whom I dearly love, but resent for all of this. It’s not the marriage, but the living situation. I don’t begrudge them anything, I just want my privacy and personal bubble back. I miss that bubble.

 

 

Oh! The Places You’ll Go

A few weeks ago I had a dream that turned lucid in the middle of it, as they often do with me. I was walking around a medical school campus on my interview day, and thought, “I should really remember this school, because I’m going to go here.” The only problem is that I cannot remember the name of the school. I do remember a bright, sunny day, and this beautiful grassy quad, with crisscrossing concrete walkways. That scene does not help me much because many of my top choices have similar scenes. Ohio State has a quad similar to that, and the campus is beautiful. UCSF has one, albeit much smaller due to the urban setting. UCSD, my home campus, has a couple like that, and I looked at pictures from it again tonight, because I didn’t think it could be it as first. The angle of the picture was very similar to my dream though, so now I’m thinking that I really might end up at UCSD. I should really don the attitude my brother has about my possibility of attending UCSD SOM. Statistically, I have a better chance of gaining admission there than even the other UC’s. At least I do not have to go through that stressful, arduous process for another year. In a way, I’m almost glad that I am going over by one quarter, so that I can have some more time to gather better LOR’s and prepare for the MCAT and just get everything in order a little bit more. It will also give me some time to relax, something I don’t ever really have right now, and surely won’t once medical school begins.

There are days where I look at the path I have chosen and wonder if it is really worth it personally. I am working so hard right now, and I am barely on my way to becoming a doctor. How far will I have to push myself on this journey? Will I be forced to find my breaking point, or just bend until I almost break? Is pushing myself to the brink of insanity worth the lives that I might save? There are simply too many questions to be answered as of yet. There is still so much I do not know, medically and worldly alike.

I hope that I will be able to attend UCSD SOM. It would help me to keep my debt down enormously because a) it is a California school, and I am a California resident, and b) I would be able to continue to live at home and not have to worry about rent and bills, plus, I am a sucker for my mom’s cooking.  The only down fall is that I would still a 45minute commute- one way on a good day- each day. It is hard now, but I don’t know if I can handle that during the arduous process that is medical school. I hope I can. My family is a very big support system for me, and they have helped me through some of my toughest times. Yes, they have also been the cause of some, but they have been there when I need them nonetheless. I don’t know what I would do if I could not cry on my mother’s shoulder or be hugged by my brother when I come home from some really hard cases. I need them more than they need me I think.

The Christmas season is one of my favorite times of the year, and today we put up our tree and got the house partly decorated. For now, I will not worry about my impending MCAT’s, nor med school apps, nor the finals that are only two weeks away. No, I will enjoy this beautiful season and the warmth that it always brings me. I will read, enjoy, see friends and family, eat food that we only get a few times a year, and make music. I will be happy and relaxed, if only for this short time before the madness that comprises my life begins again.

Hopefully There are Blue Skies Ahead. Hopefully.

I hate feeling this way, but sadly, I do. I am so resentful of my brother. He is so arrogant about the whole situation. Most people  would say that living at home till 30 is a little off. Most would say that bringing your fiancé home to live with your family is more than a little off. Most would say that remaining in your parents’ house with your wife is just odd. It is not as though he doesn’t have a decent job; he made six figures this past year. He just doesn’t want to put money that he won’t see any return on go into an apartment. He can easily afford a condo, but he doesn’t want to deal with HOA’s. Yes, that sucks, but putting the rest of your family into an awkward, stressful situation is not part of family love. He has done all of this intentionally. I can see where he thinks that familial love should extend to this realm, but if he respected his family, he would not put us through this, nor his wife. She does not want this. She wants her own home. Right now I know she feels like she is intruding, which, in reality, she is. My damn brother is fine with everything, but my sister-in-law has given up everything, and she deserves better.  Our house is not all that large, and to have this many people here is difficult. It is difficult with laundry; even though they are doing their own (finally!), they are going through so much soap and softener, that we can’t keep up, and she doesn’t let us know so that we can go get more before we have to wash our clothes. I can’t find anything in our kitchen anymore because she doesn’t put things back properly. Yes, she does the dishes, which is nice, but she also won’t rest until she cleans the whole kitchen, which is awkward when one is more of a guest. They plan on buying a house, after the new year, and more likely months after that. She can’t get a job until after the holidays, because she needs to get her drivers license and a social security number. In order to do that, she needs her green card. I just can’t believe that my brother had taken this route. Yes, they are happy, and that is the big thing, but the way my brother is approaching this and the way he is treating the rest of us is unacceptable. It is more him than her, although if I were to have met her away from this situation, I would not have befriended her.  She is not someone that I can easily get along with does not have as much class as I wish my brother had the foresight to choose. It has already been a month, and I am going crazy. I can’t take this anymore. I wish I was able to move out, but unlike my brother, I am much younger and still going to school and my parents cannot afford to send me to live on campus. I have felt physically sick over the stress and aggravation that he has caused our family for days now. I just can’t believe his selfishness, nor that I am reacting the way I am to this.

Another day in the neighborhood

Oh the ideas that begin to float in my mind once something does not go the way I had hoped. Really, I should be better at just brushing minor disappointments off, but sadly I’m not. I went to a department meeting at my volunteer/work and yet again, I was not chosen as one of the “best.” I know that everyone in the program is of the best quality, and I also know that not everyone can get an award. Yet, I wonder why the nurses raise me vehemently daily, espouse that I should get a job there (and even go so far as to point our positions that are open), make sure their supervisor knows how much they love me, but the stupid piece of paper that says such things is given to another. I have often wondered how accurate the judging is on this particular award. I have seen too often that the person who gets it is the one who is always working while our department coordinator “checks in.” How many of the nurses are really asked? Morning AND night shifts? Regardless, I am disappointed yet again. It’s not that that piece of paper is really all that meaningful, but it would be nice to put that on my CV for med school and say, “See, people who work in healthcare like me and think I am a good fit.” Oh well, life’s a bitch and then you die, as my grandfather used to say.

 

I also got back my Biochem midterm today. It amazes me how down I get when I do not get the grade I want. I mean really, I should say to my self, you got above average, thirty points above average, and you are worried? What is wrong with you? Eight percent above the rest of the average of the class is not bad. Yes, you are right that you do not know your grade, because the curve doesn’t happen till the end, but look at it this way, you are ahead of the curve, it is only 40%, and there is still the final. Now you know the testing style, know you know, blah blah blah. That is what I should say to myself, and I almost can, but not quite. I hate when I make stupid mistakes. I hate reading the question wrong or interpreting it wrong. I detest staring blankly at a problem for twenty minutes and then see the answer and don’t know why I didn’t realize the simplicity of it.

 

I also wonder if the path that I am on is the one I am suppose to walk. I miss having time to spend with my friends, and when I say time, I mean any time at all. I hate having to try and squeeze in lunch or coffee with even one a week, because that almost seems to be too much. I want to be able to experience life a little bit more. My days consist of waking up, eating, driving to school, practicing, lecture, more practice, then spending the next four hours studying in the library, rushing home to go to the gym, then eating again, showering, and sleep. I have no time. I am tired all the time, and I am not always a happy person to be around. My playing is suffering because I can’t focus during rehearsal, my mind wanders during lecture to dreams I had or how to squeeze more time into my already packed days. I am at an age in my life where I should be experiencing the joys that are available, yet I am saddled with so much baggage of my own making. I don’t know if I can handle being a doctor, of any kind. I keep thinking that surgery is the right fit for me. That feeling I get when I walk into an OR, when the procedure starts, when I learn something new, that feeling is what makes me want to breathe. That amazing rejuvenating air that sweeps over me keeps me going, but I keep asking myself if the path to the OR is wrong. I don’t particularly want to have to go through a residency that nearly kills me. I don’t want to have to keep putting people aside for work. I don’t want to give up what are left of my few simple joys and continue to sacrifice myself. I don’t want to, yet I continue to. Why? Go figure. Maybe a I have been on this path for so long that I can’t switch (actually, that is part of the reason). I can’t see myself doing anything else and not wondering what if. If I don’t at least try, scratch that, if I don’t do this completely, I will always wonder what if, and then I will a pissy person all the time.

 

I just want to be happy, but right now I don’t even have time to eat during the day, let alone be happy. I am tired of being tired, and I am sick of being angry at the world. I am tired of fighting everything so hard and working day and night just to see things fall apart. I just want to give up, and only feel connected to my dream by a rope around my waist pulling me along, with feet dragging, instead of being in a hot air balloon. I want that elated feeling again, not the resentment that I currently harbor. I want to just see that I can do it, that I will be a great doctor and not mess up anyone’s life. I want to know that everything will be okay, but of course, we cannot know that because the future is always changing.

 

 

 

Live life the way you want to see it in a movie

There are so many things that we can do to help each other, but there are so many more ways to hurt others. Really, it takes great skill to live everyday. Just using an electric toothbrush can be dangerous, and that is only the beginning of the day. Then, there’s the constant choking hazard that comes with eating and the constant frenzy that many op us live our lives in. Just sitting in a car, even a stationary one is cause for worry. Truly, it is a miracle that we get up and go to bed everyday. We just tend to dwell on the one day where the cycle is broken. Funny, how the majority of the world population lives in fear of death. How ironic is that statement? To live in fear of death. It’s like saying that we live to die, which, of course, is somewhat true. Without death, there cannot be life, just a constant being. Yet, even with that, to only live one’s life in anticipation of its end is quite dismal. Why not enjoy the ride? Why not make the ride a little less bumpy for others who are not graced with the goodness that many of us are daily?

So to all of you who are waiting for something good to happen to you, why not go do something good for someone else? They are waiting just like you are. Give blood, platelets, plasma and save a life. Donate old clothes and make the cold warm. Donate your time to organizations that work to help those trying to jump out of a hole that appears taller than them. Monetary donations are fantastic, but is you want to get the biggest reward, and see the biggest change, give of yourself to others selflessly. Time is invaluable, and is always in great demand. So give what you can, and brighten someone’s day, because it will make the rest of their life that much brighter.

Somewhere, Over the Rainbow…

Isn’t it amazing how, with all the technology of mankind, and the hope and promise it brings, destruction and misery always follow? Many technological advances have occurred, especially recently, but so many times they are in response to the negative fruits of previous labors. We have created our own demise and even seeing the writing on the wall, we continue to press forward at a faster pace each day. In a sheep herd, if the lead ram jumps off a cliff, the rest of the herd will follow, knowing that it is not the path to sustenance. Humans are no better at making a positive fate for ourselves. No matter how many “experts” preach that the end is near, and no, I am not talking about the downtrodden man standing on a busy intersection with a worn cardboard sign, we do not seem to understand as a people what must be done to rectify our wrong doings. Yes, there is a great percentage of people who are now aware of, and attempting to do their part to slow global warming. The problem really arises from those who hold power and prestige in this world. Our politicians as a group do not live as the rest of the population, it would be laughable to say that they even try to, for we as a society would criticize them if they did. The movie stars who travel to thrid world countries and give aid for a few weeks or months to starving children and ailing ill still return to their well furnished homes and the comforts that they offer. Seeing circumstances and living them are completely different. The grass may very well be greener on the other side, but in truth, that greenery may be attributed to the perspective of the sunlight shinning on the blades. For true change to happen in our world, we must not rely on the simple Joe to make the drastic changes that are needed in not only our nation, (every helping hand does help in the end, however, and every mindset will need to be changed) but instead upon the people we allow to hold power in our country. In reality, our nation holds more power than any other not for social, religious, economic reasons. We hold power because we have never been adverse to pointing out a wrong, and if and when the people closest to the problem do not deign to fix it, we step in. We have created many enemies along the way, but we have also paved the way for positive change. Honestly, if we were that evil, other countries would not try to be like us. We must elect leaders who have positive visions and respectable actions in their thoughts. We must also note when our leaders are doing wrong and not carrying out the positive wishes of the people, and not just wave signs around saying they need to be impeached or relieved of office (as has been the case for many decades) but carry out the actions necessary to put those who would make positive changes in office. I am not saying that our past leaders have been devils, nor am I saying that they have been angels either. Every person has their faults. We must just become more picky about who we let hold the seats of power. Instead of letting a groups of people in vying for power (like our political parties) decide who should have the opprotunity to run for any office, we the people should hold that authority. When something, such as the new healthcare plans affect every single citizen (and even those who are not citizens), the vote should be sent to the people, not to the politicians sitting in DC who are placated and controled by lobbyists. There are too many flaws to our system, and only now are so many of them coming to the surface at once that people are finally taking notice. Such a shame that our countries has such educated people and potential, and yet everyday we throw it away.

Ready or not, here I come…

We cannot run away from the difficulties and hindrances of life. If we should try, then we do not grow and instead revert and become fearful of everything, and fear is the great decimator. Truly, in the grand scheme of things, there is nothing to fear, as there is a great system of checks and balances, and for the best part of the lives we experience, we create our own individual worlds.

I honestly believe that what we wish, pray, and hope for, even subconsciously, will come to pass if enough energy is put into it. So, say you constantly think about getting a new job because you hate your current one, well, you may come to work one day and find that you have been laid off. That is not the end of the world, now you have the chance to go out and find that new job you wanted. The way we perceive life is the way it is presented to us. Some people will see losing their jobs as a loss of security, while others will it as a chance for a fresh start. Being five minutes late to work may make your boss a trifle mad, but it may have saved you from being party to a car accident. We must constantly make our own happiness; no one else will do it for us, and even if they do, the happiness is short lived.

So, for better or worse, happiness or glum, tragedy or bliss, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Every happening in this world is a lesson to glean so much knowledge from. Those who seem to just let every negative comment bounce off of them have learned a lesson of knowing when to take criticism, and when to toss it away. Those who can smile an elderly parent and tell them for the twentieth time what time they will visit the next day have learned a form of patience. There are lessons in everything, from breaking a heel in a sidewalk crack to forgetting to stop at the bank.

If we truly want something to happen, however, we must concentrate on that outcome with every fiber of our being. Just one negative or derogatory thought can begin the fraying of the positive thoughts we have weaved. Again, fear is the great decimator and will destroy all in its path.

That being said, I must take my own advice, and keep a positive outlook on this year. Such a perspective is not hard to attain this quarter, for I have excellent professors and throughly enjoy the classes, regardless of their intense and demanding nature. It is amazing how material that once seemed extraordinarily difficult can become as clear as a lagoon once presented by a thorough explanation. Organic Chemistry has been interesting up till now (so many other pre-meds out there are staring daggers at me right now), but has never really penetrated far into my memory and consciousness. Now with this professor, I “get it.” Amazing, to be sure.

What also surprises me is how well my high school Biology teachers prepared me for college. I am continuing on in my upper division studies of Biology, and I have yet to learn anything new. In my senior year in high school, I covered material spanning at least four or five upper division college courses in full. Even with this, I still have to work hard at my studies, because I need to raise my GPA for med school. It is so sad how simple numbers can drastically change and direct my future. The difference between a 3.50 and a 3.55 can only seem great to a medical school admissions committee. I hate the hoops that we pre-meds are made to jump through to reach our ultimate goals. I understand that those goals entail holding life in our very hands though, and so hoops must not only be jumped, but jumped with style and finesse. There are days where I wish that we would just go to lecture, do the reading and homework, and whatever else is necessary to master the material, but instead of taking exams and enduring the stress that they bring in their wake, a laser of scanner could just determine whether or not we knew the material and to what degree. Then again, we would not learn to function under pressure, and that is the main reason for the “weed-out” courses that comprise all of the medical school required courses. Each and every one is ment not only to ensure that we know material that we will not have to know except for an entrance exam (and yes, a better through understanding of medicine- to an extent), but also to see how badly we want to be doctors. The ten percent that drop each class (or whatever number it may be) are the ones who are better suited for another career for no one  would want a doctor (or medical researcher) to turn their back on them just because the case was too hard. I know I wouldn’t.

I constantly place myself in the positions of the patients that I help to care for and to a certain extend, I see where many trepidations, misunderstandings, and reactions come from. Because of this paradigm shift that I know that I will be able to be a great doctor. That and the compassion that I show towards people. The one obstacle that I know I have to overcome is that I have trouble dealing with whining people. Give me the facts, let me go to work, do the best, and then present the results. I don’t really want to fuss with some of the frivolous aspects that accompany certain specialties. I suppose that eliminates Peds from my list and puts surgical specialties at the top.