It is interesting the changes we would make to our lives if we had the option to press rewind and change the choices we wish we didn’t make. Sometimes with age comes wisdom, and enthusiasm with youth. How do we find the balance though? How do we know what choices will shape us positively while others will hinder our life paths? How can we know? So, when an elder wisely says that one should try and pursue a career where family life is more sustainable, are we to listen to them, and give up the thrill of success in the workplace in leu of happiness at home, or are we to follow our hearts? Are we wise enough to listen, take their guidance with a grain of salt, and then shape our lives better than they were able to? Are we able to cut down on work to give more time to family, or are we as humans just stubborn and gluttons for punishment?
Oh, the questions that constantly swirl in the air, how you torment me. There is no guarantee that by becoming a surgeon I will always be away from family and home; there are ways to manipulate schedules, take fewer hours and patients, not work in a setting where I would be on-call quite frequently. There is no guarantee that I won’t be stuck at work all the time either. The issue is that no matter what area of medicine I go into, I will undoubtedly give more than necessary, and end up sacrificing time at home and/or sleep and/or hobbies, etc. I give my all in everything I do, often times pushing my limits and expanding them. Actually, I expand more often that I really care to think about. Each and everyday, I find just one more thing that I want to do, just one more thing that I “need” or “have” to do. I have very much a type-A personality, because if I am going to put any time into something, it will be done right, even if that means putting more time that originally planned into the project. I have learned to say no to things, but I am not great at it. In my mind, I can do it all, and truly, everything that is placed before me I can do, just not all at the same time. For some reason, however, if I don’t see the multitude of things that I am already doing in front of me at the time, I will feel like I have all the time in the world and want to tack on just one more thing. It is a shame that there are not more hours in the day, and that I require 10-12 hours of sleep for the normal 8 hours.
I know that if surgery is where my heart lies and I do not follow that path, I will always have regrets and think of what might have been, not because of the glamour nor the glory nor the money, but because I would never become self actualized in that aspect of my life, or possibly even in the entirety of my life. I would never forgive myself for working so long and hard to become a doctor and then take the easy way out by chosing a specialty that others say is “easier,” but in reality requires just as much time and effort, just in different ways. That choice would show fear of charging after the unknown, and fear is the great un-doer. I think this means that no matter what the surgeons and anesthesiologists guiding me say, I will have to follow my heart. If it leads me to an OR, then great, but if it leads me to a reasearch lab, or clinical trials, or a solely office based practice, then that will suit me fine aswell. So long as I follow my heart (my brain has already done a lot of the work on that end), I will be happy because I will make my specialty work for me, not the other way around.
